I defy anyone to deny having used their child as a human shield if the occasion requires.
I’m not talking about sacrificing them to ensure your survival, I’m talking about using them as a shield to avoid having to deal with certain social situations. There are some scenarios when having a child is extremely useful! Extremely.
Here are a few examples:
- If you have your arms full of a baby, baby bag and handbag, you can quite legitimately avoid having to kiss anyone hello, unless it’s your mother. No one will take offense to you shrugging and nodding hello instead of having to hug someone you really don’t even want to greet.
- If you need an escape, you can ‘pretend’ that your child, who is just off centre of their line of sight, fell, or was about to lick the lamppost, you can legitimately stop conversing mid-sentence and run off to ‘rescue’ your child from some potential ebola exposure incident. No questions asked!
- If your child is still wearing nappies, a mom sniff of their bum and a wrinkling of your nose will be ALL the excuse you need to actually just go lock yourself in a room with your child to escape everyone! Everyone.
- If you are pushing your child in a pushchair and you get the chance to spot the annoying acquaintance before they see you, you have a small window of opportunity to maneuver the push chair at such an angle that it blocks them from actually getting to you. You may need to shuffle slightly if they try get around, but thankfully the human shield usually comes through.
- Vomit. Kids can vomit anywhere, anytime, anyplace. If you’re attempting to avoid an unwanted social situation, you will pray that your child will vomit. There really is no better excuse. Unfortunately kids are unreliable and unpredictable. This is is really your last line of defence and you might pay for it for a while after but it is highly effective!
Kids, they can be useful sometimes! Who knew? – Me.
Note: This is not exclusive to moms – dad’s are very good at these maneuvers too! In fact, they have the ultimate excuse for ‘ducking out’ … “I need to find their mother!”