There I was, sitting in my home office, minding my own business, when I heard a strange thumping sound coming from the lounge.
My heart stopped, and in a millisecond I considered just locking myself in the office and hiding from whoever was ransacking my house.
Then I realised, I’m an adult, don’t be pathetic, I live in the most secure residential complex in town, it’s more likely one of the neighbours cats who needs to be caught, named and shamed on the complex’s whatsapp group. (Okay, I’m only ‘kind of’ an adult.)
I metaphorically ‘put on my big girl knickers’ and go through to the lounge to confront the unknown.
The first thing I see is what appears to be purple juice all over the beige tiles. I know it’s not from my kids because they’re at school, and I had just finished mopping the floor about 20 minutes prior. Confused I head towards the open verandah door only to see something flying at me!
I scream like a child and then realise that it’s one of the wild birds that had obviously hopped into the house by mistake and is now trapped.
Then I realise that the purple ‘juice’ is actually bird shit and this bird is literally shitting himself as he flies around my lounge and kitchen, shitting all over the place!
I then contemplate how to get it out the house without getting covered in the purple shit myself and mentally kick myself for not buying the giant butterfly net my kids wanted the other day. I grab the long handled feather duster and try to guide the stupid bird out of the house.
I fail and only succeed in scaring more shit out of it … please don’t think I’m only joking here.
I give up and decide to just leave the door wide open and hope that it finds it’s own way out without me.
Five minutes later I go back to the lounge to see if it’s gone.
Well I can’t find it so I hope it has but the stench of the shit is nauseating! Think changing the nappy after a yoghurt pooh from a 10 month old child.
I resign myself to mopping again. Prepare the soapy water, and start at the worst point.
IT DOESN’T COME OFF!!!
The purple shit has stained my beige floor! I shit you not!
I try again. I contemplate using pool acid, and then realise I might be over-reacting. This time I’m taking no chances and use boiling water with a mixture of washing up liquid, vinegar and bicarb! It worked, thank goodness.
I now need to burn the mop.