There I was, sitting in my home office, minding my own business. When suddenly I heard a strange thumping sound coming from the lounge. My heart stopped. For a millisecond I considered just locking myself in the office and hiding from whoever was ransacking my house.
Then I realised, I’m an adult. Shit! I told myself (out loud) to stop being pathetic. I reminded myself that I live in the most secure residential complex in town. Its far more likely to be one of the neighbour’s cats. In which case it needs to be caught, and then the owner can be named and shamed on the resident’s whatsapp group. (Okay, I’m only ‘kind of’ an adult.)
I metaphorically ‘put on my big girl knickers’ and go through to the lounge to confront the unknown.
The first thing I see is what appears to be purple juice all over the beige tiles. I know it’s not from my kids because they’re at school, and I had just finished mopping the floor about 20 minutes prior. Really!
Confused I head towards the open verandah door only to see something flying at me!
I scream like a child, duck, and wave my arms above my head like that’s going to stop an attack of any kind!
You’re picturing it right now aren’t you?
Once that’s over, I then realise that it’s one of the wild birds that had obviously hopped into the house by mistake. It must have hopped in through the open patio doors (super safety conscious … ) and the poor
shitter thing is now trapped inside.
Then I realise that the purple ‘juice’ is actually bird shit. The bird is literally shitting itself as it flies around my lounge and kitchen, shitting all over the place!
Now, the reason you’re here … How To Get A Bird Out Of My House – 101.
I contemplate how to get the bird out of the house without getting covered in the purple shit myself. I also mentally kick myself for not buying the giant butterfly net my kids wanted the other day. Lesson learnt – always buy the giant butterfly net!
I grab the long handled feather duster and try to guide the stupid bird out of the house.
I fail and only succeed in scaring more shit out of it … please don’t think I’m only joking here.
I give up and decide to just leave the door wide open and hope that it finds its own way out.
Five minutes later I go back to the lounge to see if it’s gone.
Well I can’t find it so I hope it has but the stench of the shit is nauseating! Think: changing the nappy after a yoghurt pooh from a 10 month old child.
I resign myself to mopping again. Prepare the soapy water, and start at the worst point.
IT DOESN’T COME OFF!!!
The purple shit has stained my beige floor! I shit you not!
I try again and contemplate using pool acid, and then realise I might be over-reacting. This time I’m taking no chances and use boiling water with a mixture of washing up liquid, vinegar and bicarb! It worked, thank goodness.
I now need to burn the mop.
If you came here looking for advice on how to get a bird out of your house – well I’m sorry. I don’t know. But I hope you had a good chuckle at my expense anyway.
FYI – the source of the purple shit was because the damn birds were eating the berries of the bushes growing right in front of the verandah. I found the solution to that – you can check it out here if you promise not to judge my parenting skills too harshly!