For those of you who think that January Disease is a joke, think again. I’m here to tell you that it is not. Not for the person who suffers from it, nor the people who have to suffer them!
What is January Disease?
During the month of January, you will notice that there are basically two categories of humans on the planet:
- Those who suffer from January Disease.
- Everyone else.
If you are not familiar with this particular ailment, below is a list of symptoms. These will help you to diagnose whether you or your loved ones are suffering from January Disease.
The Top 5 Symptoms of January Disease
You are broke, and therefore miserable!
Broke as in, you were broke on the 2nd of January and don’t get paid until the 30th of January. That kind of broke. Most likely due to the fact that you are trying to eat healthy food which costs more than normal food, and because you re-joined the gym … again. So instead of trying to recover from overspending in December, you’re probably overspending again just to make yourself stick to those “new year, new me” healthy living, get fit regime!
You also have a ‘holiday-hangover’.
This is when you have to go back to work after a few weeks off over the festive season, and you didn’t want to go back to work. So you basically decide that you actually hate your job, everyone else who works there, your boss, and the whole world too. Also, your jeans don’t fit because you ate everything in December. Everything. That’s partly why you’re broke … remember.
You lack any and all enthusiasm for life.
Everything sucks! You suck! Your family suck! And all the people on Facebook who are not back at work really really suck! These are mostly retired people, people without children, or those who can still go on cheap holidays in January because their kids are young enough that they don’t have to go to school. Whatever the reason, they all suck too.
You are Hangry!
This is when you are permanently angry because you’re hungry. You’re hungry because you’re on a diet, a diet that is very expensive and has contributed to the brokenness referred to above!
You are Exhausted
And I mean bone-numbingly exhausted. Probably because you’re forcing yourself to go to the gym to stick to those stupid New Year Resolutions that you made while you had a holiday-hangover. A holiday from which you are still trying to recover, physically and financially.
No. 1 Identifier: You Hate Everyone!
The people you hate most in the world are the following:
- Your boss, and everyone who doesn’t have to go back to work (i.e. Stay-At-Home-Moms, retired people, teachers who don’t start until NEXT WEEK!)
- People who are excited about their New Year’s resolutions!
- People who don’t have to go to the gym but still do because they LIKE it (weirdos)!
- People who are excited by the opportunities a new year brings them.
- Politicians including Trump, all the African government officials, and anyone who mentions the word ‘Brexit’! Also, famous people who make speeches about how they live ‘in the real world’ of Hollywood, and royals. Definitely, those who don’t ‘toe the line’.
This list is not exhaustive, and you only need to suffer from one of the Big Five in order to make a legitimate claim of suffering January Disease!
Is There A Cure For January Disease?
There are literally only two ways to cure yourself of January Disease:
- Forget the stupid New Year Resolutions until 1 February, eat what you want and drink lots of wine, gin, or whatever makes you happy.
- Get a sick-note from a sympathetic Doctor who has the ‘balls’ to actually write on said note “Suffering from January Disease, off work until 1 February, fully paid!”
Share if you can identify or know someone suffering from this seriously contagious disease! ?
Disclaimer: I am married to a chronic January Disease sufferer so I am qualified to diagnose this.