I defy anyone to deny having used their child as a human shield if the occasion requires. I’m not talking about sacrificing them to ensure your survival, I’m talking about using your kids as a shield to avoid having to deal with certain social situations.
There are some scenarios when having a child is extremely useful! Extremely.
The Awkward Kiss Hello
I don’t mind kissing some people hello. And I get that it’s kind … but there are certain people out there who kiss everyone. I would like to feel special so if you’re going to kiss everyone else AND me, I’ll be using my kids to avoid that awkward moment of one kiss, or a kiss on each cheek, or air kissing? Come on!
If you have your arms full of a baby, baby bag and handbag, you can quite legitimately avoid having to kiss anyone hello, unless it’s your mother. No one will take offense to you shrugging and nodding hello instead of having to hug someone you really don’t even want to greet.
Using your kids for an Escape Excuse
We’ve all been in that boring conversation before where you just need an escape excuse! When you have kids, you can pretend that your child, who is just out of their line of sight, suddenly fell or was about to lick the lamp post. In these situations it is perfectly acceptable to use your kids as an excuse to legitimately stop a conversation mid-sentence and run off to ‘rescue’ your child from some potential ebola exposure incident. No questions asked! I myself have used this one … many times!
We all know that mothers can smell their kids dirty nappies before anyone else. It’s like we’re hard wired! Sometimes we choose to ignore it for a few minutes. Sometimes.
A mom sniff of their
clean bum and a wrinkling of your nose will be ALL the excuse you need to actually just go lock yourself in an empty room with your child to escape everyone! Everyone.
If you are pushing your child in a pushchair and you get the chance to spot the annoying acquaintance before they see you [probably because they’re a hello kisser], you have a small window of opportunity to maneuver the pushchair at such an angle that it blocks them from physically getting to you.
You may need to shuffle slightly if they try get around, but thankfully using your kids as a shield usually works.
Vomit. Kids can vomit anywhere, anytime, anyplace. If you’re attempting to avoid an unwanted social situation, you will pray that your child will vomit. There really is no better excuse. Obviously this is not a sure-fire tactic, and we don’t actually want them to be sick sick. Also, kids are completely unreliable and unpredictable. So using your kids in this way is more reliable as a hypothetical shield.
This is is really your last line of defence and you might pay for it for a while after but it is highly effective. This is a great one to use when you want to cancel plans – a simple text with the word vomit in it and you’ll be free! No one wants to catch that.
Using your kids – who knew that they could actually be useful sometimes!
It’s important to note that this is not exclusive to moms. Dad’s are very good at these maneuvers too! In fact, they have the ultimate excuse for ‘ducking out’ … “I need to find their mother!”
How many of these excuses have you used to shield yourself using your kids?