For those of you who think that January Disease is a joke, think again. I’m here to tell you that it isn’t. Not for the person who suffers from it, nor the people who have to suffer them!
During the month of January, you will notice that there are basically two categories of humans on the planet:
- Those who suffer from January Disease.
- Everyone else.
What is January Disease you ask?
If you are not familiar with this particular ailment, below is a list of symptoms. These will help you to diagnose whether you or your loved ones are suffering from January Disease.
The Top 5 Symptoms:
You are broke.
Broke as in, you were broke on the 2nd of January and don’t get paid until the 30th of January. That kind of broke. Most likely due to the fact that you are trying to eat healthy food which costs more than normal food, and because you re-joined the gym … again.
You have a ‘holiday-hangover’.
This is when you have had to go back to work and you didn’t want to. So you basically decide that you actually hate your job, and the whole world too. Also, your jeans don’t fit.
You lack any and all enthusiasm for life.
Everything sucks! You suck! Your family suck! And all the people on facebook who are not back at work really really suck!
You are Hangry!
This is when you are permanently angry, because you’re hungry. You’re hungry because you’re on a diet, a diet that is very expensive and has contributed to the brokeness referred to above!
You are Exhausted
And I mean bone-numbingly exhausted. Probably because you’re forcing yourself to go to gym to stick to those stupid New Year Resolutions that you made while you had a holiday-hangover. A holiday from which you are still trying to recover, physically and financially.
No. 1 Identifier: You Hate Everyone!
The people you hate most in the world are the following:
- Your boss, and everyone who doesn’t have to go back to work (i.e. Stay-At-Home-Moms, retired people, teachers who don’t start until NEXT WEEK!)
- People who are excited about their New Year’s resolutions!
- People who don’t have to go to gym but still do because they LIKE it (weirdos)!
- People who are excited by the opportunities a new year brings them
- Politicians including Trump, all the African government officials, and anyone who mentions the word ‘Brexit’! And Famous People who make speeches about how they live ‘in the real world’ of Hollywood.
This list is not exhaustive, and you only need to suffer from one of the Big Five in order to make a legitimate claim of suffering January Disease!
Is There A Cure For January Disease?
There are literally only two ways to cure yourself of January Disease:
- Forget the stupid New Year Resolutions until 1 February, eat what you want and drink lots of wine, gin, or whatever makes you happy.
- Get a sick-note from a sympathetic Doctor who has the ‘balls’ to actually write on said note “Suffering from January Disease, off work until 1 February, fully paid!”
Share if you can identify or know someone suffering from this seriously contagious disease! ?
Disclaimer: I am married to a chronic January Disease sufferer so I am qualified to diagnose this.